Welcome, Baby!

With great joy, I introduce you to my Son, Jeffery Alan Knapp, II.

He was born at home, on Saturday, November 18th at 4:17pm. He weighed in at 7 pounds, 7 ounces, and measures 20 1/4 inches long.

He is absolutely perfect in every way; we have much to be Thankful for this holiday week.

I Fell in Love Today

The rain was pounding the pavement as our car splashed through the puddles. What a dark and stormy day. Once inside, we shook ourselves off and sat down to wait our turn; we were early.

Upon hearing my name, we got up and walked into the dimly lit room, with the bright monitor glaring back at us. The technician invited me to lay down, as Jeff sat in the chair next to the bed. I lifted my shirt up as she instructed me to do, and she poured warm gel all over my bulging belly. That warm gel felt so good on cold skin.

As soon as she put the wand on me, there was the baby!!! What a miracle, this person inside of me...growing from a little sac when we first viewed it in March, to a miniature human 20 weeks ago, and now, a healthy, fully formed child. Wow. I don't think it'll ever get old for me, and I don't want it to.

After taking the usual measurements and watching for breathing patterns and movement, our tech moved the wand to my right side and for a moment, I swear I saw a face. I tried to focus more, and just as it came into view, she said, "There's the baby's face." My eyes welled up and I was glued to that screen, trying to make out my child's features.

Yes! Yes! There were the eyes, the cute little button nose, some chubby cheeks and my chin! It has my chin!

I was in love instantly with this fuzzy picture. I can't stop thinking about it, visualizing it. I knew that I'd fall in love the minute I got pregnant, and I did. I knew that as this baby and I got accustomed to growing together, I'd be in love, and I have been. I knew that once it came out, I'd be forever mesmerized, and I will be.

But I didn't expect today's little present of a "late" baby staring at me through some waves onto a screen to be so captivating...helping me to stay patient just a short while longer as he or she soaks up the coziness of my womb for a few last days.

Completely, utterly in love I am.

Pressure

Approaching 41 weeks has brought lots of pressure that I didn't expect.

Most well-wishers call or stop by to talk and see how I am, how things are going. I can appreciate that. There have been some that know just the wrong thing to say, such as, "Just get induced already!", or something to that effect. Sure, why not?! I'll just put my body into labor before it's really ready, it's that easy.

But most of the pressure comes from my own self. With each phone call, I feel like a disappointment when my answer is a firm No when asked if the baby is here yet. Certainly I'd let people know if it were here, how could I hold back the excitement? With each day comes more wondering about when this baby will actually decide to come out. As the day ends, my thoughts turn to the next day, and the cycle continues.

I feel pressure to do all I can to help the process along, to know the right thing to say when asked questions, pressure to defend myself when the topic of induction is brought up, pressure to *will* the baby out so that life can get on with itself. I feel pressure to read and learn everything I don't know before he or she comes out, so that I will have all the tools I need at my fingertips. (I know this is a lie--most of parenting/Motherhood is not learned from books--but I can't seem to refrain from thinking this way)

Why do I pressure myself so? Why must I feel that all my ducks have to be in a row in order to do well at something? Is it perfectionism or just wanting to be stable in a time of unstableness?

I have no answers. I have no other thoughts to offer right now other than things that have to do with this baby's timing, and should I keep thinking or writing about them, the pressure will only build.

40 Weeks

Today is the official due date for my pregnancy. I thought that I'd be holding my baby by now, but as one of my last posts indicated, I guess I'm not too good at predictions.

I predicted that I'd only gain 20-25 pounds. Nope.

I predicted I'd deliver this past weekend. Nope.

I predicted that I would not reach my due date at all. Nope.

I predicted that I'd have a girl. We're still waiting on that one. :)

There is a foot or some other body part resting comfortably (for baby, at least) right under my rib cage, so bending has become a thing of the past. This makes it hard to do menial tasks like pick up a dropped whatever, sit down/stand up quickly, wash certain areas, you get the picture. I am really looking forward to having my body back! I'm glad it's served this little one well. :)

Last night was the first night in a week that I didn't get some good rest. I woke feeling nauseous and mildly crampy. I wondered if this was how it was going to start. These feelings kept on throughout the night, and poor Jeff got to be the beneficiary of my tossing and turning. Each time I'd turn (which takes about 5 minutes, remember) he'd ask if I was OK. This morning as he went to work, I told him I may be calling him. "Why?" Apparently he did sleep OK after all.

So today I will try and get some ironing done, and continue reading my book. I feel like I need to read it all, or most of it, before the babe comes so that I can have the "tools" to establish a good sleep pattern. Why must I always feel this way? I have tools already, but I put so much emphasis on getting it all down-pat beforehand. I need to work on this.

In other thoughts, I've been thinking a bit on how right now, this baby is in the Lord's presence...right there! How neat. No wonder it is taking it's time to enter the world. I think I'd want to wait a bit, too! I thought about this the entire pregnancy, that the only person to really know this baby was God, and how intricately He knows him/her. He is the only One who has seen and soon we'll be welcomed into the picture, but all of this time, this created soul has been hanging out with the Almighty. That's really pretty cool and I can't quite get my head wrapped around it.

Funny Visuals

Picture this:

Me sitting on the couch. I try to get up. Can't. Feel like the little brother in the movie The Christmas Story who falls down in the snow and repeatedly yells, "I can't get up! I can't get up!" Jeff (my Ralphie) comes to my rescue and grabs my hands as I scooch my butt (and big belly) to the end of the cushion and then he pulls. Finally, I'm up!

Here's another one: I'm lying in bed, on my left side. Left side is getting achy, time to roll to the right. First I move my shoulders, head follows. Next, I move my legs halfway to the right. At this point, I am all discombobulated (is that a real word?). Finally, I can move my very heavy, deadweight torso/belly area. Repeat all steps once more and viola! I've rolled! This amazing act is done at least 5 times in the night. I feel like a freak show.

OK, one more: me, walking. Haha! Waddle, waddle.

Baby Weekend

So I thought this was it. This was going to be the weekend we would meet our firstborn. I thought wrong.

My Mom's birthday came and went, and so did the full moon. Apparently baby wants it's own birthday and the moon has no effect on me.

When I found out that I was pregnant, I calculated the due date and looked around for other significant dates near November 8th. I immediately thought about how wonderful it would be to have my first child on my Mom's birthday. We are so close and share such a unique bond, and this would be so fitting for our tender relationship. I also noticed that paired with my Mom's day was a full moon! I've heard that full moons can trigger labor and so I was convinced that I would deliver this weekend.

And here we wait!

I have 2 more days before I'm 40 weeks pregnant. 40 weeks! It seems like such a long time, but at the same time it has really flown by. It's like one of those things where you can look back to 10 years ago and think it was just yesterday, and also think it's been eons ago. Anyways, I feel good, but am very tired. My Mom reminds me that I don't even know what tired is yet and I know she's right. I try to rest but find that there are just too many other things I'd like to do/get done before I fall compeletely in love with this baby. Health-wise, I've been able to keep my swelling to a minimum with some herbal teas, and my evening companion, Mr. Heartburn, seems to have taken a back seat which has been nice. I've gotten some great sleep the past two nights as well, which is heaven-sent. Must be a pre-Mothering gift of some sort!

I was getting quite anxious the other day, thinking and wondering and questioning when this child would come. WHEN??? Then I realized this was starting to consume me and knew that the only thing that could help was surrenduring it all up to the Lord. So I prayed. I asked for a bit of patience and lots of peace, knowing in my heart that when it was time, He would bring forth this life. Doing that gave me instant relief, which made me sit in gratitude for the awesome power of God. He is with me, more than I will ever know. I know I take that for granted most every day, but at those times where I acknowledge His presence and soveriengty, I sit in awe in the ways that He fills me. This was a good reminder to have as I await the next phase of my life.