Pressure
Approaching 41 weeks has brought lots of pressure that I didn't expect.
Most well-wishers call or stop by to talk and see how I am, how things are going. I can appreciate that. There have been some that know just the wrong thing to say, such as, "Just get induced already!", or something to that effect. Sure, why not?! I'll just put my body into labor before it's really ready, it's that easy.
But most of the pressure comes from my own self. With each phone call, I feel like a disappointment when my answer is a firm No when asked if the baby is here yet. Certainly I'd let people know if it were here, how could I hold back the excitement? With each day comes more wondering about when this baby will actually decide to come out. As the day ends, my thoughts turn to the next day, and the cycle continues.
I feel pressure to do all I can to help the process along, to know the right thing to say when asked questions, pressure to defend myself when the topic of induction is brought up, pressure to *will* the baby out so that life can get on with itself. I feel pressure to read and learn everything I don't know before he or she comes out, so that I will have all the tools I need at my fingertips. (I know this is a lie--most of parenting/Motherhood is not learned from books--but I can't seem to refrain from thinking this way)
Why do I pressure myself so? Why must I feel that all my ducks have to be in a row in order to do well at something? Is it perfectionism or just wanting to be stable in a time of unstableness?
I have no answers. I have no other thoughts to offer right now other than things that have to do with this baby's timing, and should I keep thinking or writing about them, the pressure will only build.
Most well-wishers call or stop by to talk and see how I am, how things are going. I can appreciate that. There have been some that know just the wrong thing to say, such as, "Just get induced already!", or something to that effect. Sure, why not?! I'll just put my body into labor before it's really ready, it's that easy.
But most of the pressure comes from my own self. With each phone call, I feel like a disappointment when my answer is a firm No when asked if the baby is here yet. Certainly I'd let people know if it were here, how could I hold back the excitement? With each day comes more wondering about when this baby will actually decide to come out. As the day ends, my thoughts turn to the next day, and the cycle continues.
I feel pressure to do all I can to help the process along, to know the right thing to say when asked questions, pressure to defend myself when the topic of induction is brought up, pressure to *will* the baby out so that life can get on with itself. I feel pressure to read and learn everything I don't know before he or she comes out, so that I will have all the tools I need at my fingertips. (I know this is a lie--most of parenting/Motherhood is not learned from books--but I can't seem to refrain from thinking this way)
Why do I pressure myself so? Why must I feel that all my ducks have to be in a row in order to do well at something? Is it perfectionism or just wanting to be stable in a time of unstableness?
I have no answers. I have no other thoughts to offer right now other than things that have to do with this baby's timing, and should I keep thinking or writing about them, the pressure will only build.
posted by Kelly | 3:45 PM
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