The Gift Of Children

"Behold, children are a gift of the Lord." -Psalm 127:3

I dreamed my whole life of being a Mother--ever since I can remember. One of the first memories I have of wanting to be a Mom was when I was swimming at a family friend's house with my Mom and siblings. This woman just had a baby and it needed changing, and I was the first in line to do it. I wanted to know how to hold the legs up the way I saw my Mom do it, how to put the diaper on the baby, if it was too loose or too tight, and how to dress him back up again. I remember that I was afraid I was taking too long and that he might pee on me. I got lucky--he did no such thing and the diaper change was a breeze.

All of the memories of caring for babies up until that point involve dolls. Hey, dolls work! But it was that time that I actually got to take care of and hold a real baby. And they complimented me--they said I was good at it! "A born babysitter, destined to be a great Mom someday." (I guess they'll say anything to a 5 year old to get her to change diapers!!)

I don't much know where my love of children came from. Well, from God of course, but I can't say that there were a ton of experiences early on in my life that compelled me to kids. There was one child I remember thinking very fondly of. Her name (as I called it) was Little Lisa. She was in school with me and she was very handicapped. I attended school at the age of 2 for speech therapy to help with my cleft lip and palate, and there were many other kids there who had disabilities much more severe than mine. Little Lisa was about the worst. From my recollection, she could not hear well and was blind, but was happy and oh so tiny! She was like a baby and I loved being with her, she made me so happy.

I remember talking about Little Lisa to my Mom and sister, Lisa (they shared a name--how neat to a preschooler!), and I remember my teachers telling my Mom about my concern for Little Lisa. I don't know what happened to her but I think of her every Christmas when I hang a red stocking ornament on my tree that her Mom knitted for me. My Mom always let me hang that ornament since it was so special to me, and now I have it on my tree. Even at the young age of 3 I had a bond with a small child who was my friend.

When I was 8 my first niece was born, and I couldn't get enough of her. I'm sure I was annoying as I wanted to hold her, burp her, and just be with her all the time. I was babysitting by the age of 10 and looked forward to some day when I would not be babysitting other people's children, but would be caring for my own. That desire has followed me as I've helped raise other peoples' kids and have seen some of my other dreams come true as God has allowed them to in His perfect way.

I have wondered how it would feel to have a belly getting bigger with each passing month. I have dreamed about hearing the heartbeat, feeling those first few kicks, and experiencing labor to bring forth my child. I have wondered how it will be to nourish my child at my breast, to have those still, quiet moments with him/her in the wee hours of the morning, just the two of us and God; I have thought endlessly of how I will pray for my child (ren), how I will teach God's truth to them and how I will raise them up in the knowledge that I have. I have wondered how discipline will work, how our routine will be and how the traditions will be passed from generation to generation. I've also thought about the days that I will be pulling my hair out, exhausted and overwhelmed, and yet in spite of those not-so-romantic things, I am excited.

It's hard for me to believe that all of these things I've thought on for so very long will soon be a reality.

I feel the baby move inside me all day now, and again, I can't get enough of it. I wonder what this little life will be like. Who this person will look like, what traits they'll have of mine or my relatives, what the Lord will do with them as the years pass. I'm thankful for dreams that come true but have to admit that I've spent little time reflecting on the gift that I (we) have been given.

I always thought that if you wanted kids, you had kids. I never once entertained the idea of not having them; in fact, I couldn't understand why people would not want to have them. Much of me wants to be bold and say that I just knew I would have children someday. I knew that I knew that I knew, and I believed that it was what God had planned for me. Of course it's not the only thing He had planned, but it was a sure thing and I knew it from the time I was little. I never doubted it.

My friend Laura once asked me what I would do if God said no to this dream of mine. My eyes immediately welled up with tears at the thought of having an empty womb, and I hated her for asking that, as if her asking would make it come true. I mustered up enough to say that I would be very mad at God, very mad. That was all I could think of the rest of the weekend. There was so much fear in me. What if God had planted her there to say that to me to prepare me? But how could He? After all, He is the one that gave me this simple desire, He is the one who gave me gifts to care for children! How dare she! It wasn't long after that that the fear subsided and I was able to think again about the dream I believed I was given.

Recently Jeff and I visited friends of mine from NJ. Brothers and sisters in Christ they are, Kristin and Magnus. As we caught up and talked of life to come in the next year, they expressed a desire to start a family of their own. K had many questions to ask me about kids, being pregnant and family in general. I noticed that she kept on saying "if we have children" and it was bugging the heck out of me! If they wanted kids, surely they'd have kids, so why the "if"? Finally I asked her why. Her answer astounded me.

She told me that they believe that children are a gift, and not something to be taken for granted, as if it will just happen. If the Lord desires for them to have children, then so be it. But He may not and they do not want to view having kids as a given, as something that just happens.

Wow. What a different perspective than mine. It brought me to the feet of the Lord and I sat there in silence (still do) as I reflected on the gift. It's not a given! It's not something that just happens, but is a gift that He chooses to give! He has given Jeff and I this gift, and in it, has made a little girl's dreams come true. Wow.

Stay

We tried another church this morning. It dawned on me that I am stubborn. Hahaha, writing that made me laugh out loud. Why, after all these years, have I not noticed or confessed that I am stubborn--all the time, I do not know.

I am admitting this stubbornness tonight because we are attending a good church right now, and although there are some things we don't care for about it, it's a good place. Every other church we've tried has been a worse fit than the one we attend. But yet, I still keep pressing the issue: "Let's try this one!" Or, "Oh, that looks like it could be a nice church." Why can't I just stay put and allow God to work in this area of my life?

This is not the intent of my blog tonight, but I felt that I needed to get it out. I'm sure I could blog another time on this point alone. I may just do that.

Ok, so the church we went to today had a guest speaker who spoke of many things, but one of the main things I remember was a story he told about his dog he had while growing up. He would "train" the dog by putting a biscuit on the dog's snout, and one on each paw all at the same time. The dog had to stay until his master said "OK!", and then he could enjoy the treats. How bad did that dog want to disobey his master and get those biscuits? How much restraint did he have to have to withhold his own desire for the biscuits until he was allowed to eat them?

This got me to thinking...How often are we placed somewhere by God's doing, and told to stay? I can hear Him now: "Just stay put until I tell you. Stay. Staaaay. NO-stay. Kelly, staaay." Hmm...
I more often than not sit and wonder why we are here, in MD, still with no home or real community of our own. I dwell on the fact that I have obeyed MY Master and yet He still tells me to stay, with little or no relief in sight. Has He forsaken me? No. Do I feel like He has? Yes. I have to replay His Word over and over in my head to remind myself; otherwise I would be utterly hopeless.

Well, the dog eventually got his treat, and I am sure that he enjoyed it. I know that once we get our "OK!" we will breathe a sigh of relief, and enjoy our treat too. I just hope that relief is waiting for us around the corner.

Cloth Diaper Decision: Done!

This may seem like a meaningless post to some, but if you're in the childbearing/childrearing stage, you'll understand why I had to write about it. There are just so many decisions out there!

This past week I realized through some discussion that I will not do cloth diapers. At least not right away.

Ahhhhhhhh, what relief!

I started to research them and found myself overwhelmed with the entire cloth diaper world. There are so many different kinds, different things that can go with them (inserts and covers just to name a few) and different "systems". I could not make a decision and I started to feel like time is running out--what pressure!

Then, over brunch at Ouisie's house (which was so delicious), I asked my friend Audrey about her decision on diapers. Audrey is a pretty "natural" Mom and I value her opinion; I feel like we share a lot of similarities in personality and life in general. She basically said that she has to decide what's most important to her regarding childrearing, and she just isn't sure that using cloth diapers are that important to her right now.

It wasn't until that point that I too began to think about what was most important to me. Cloth diapers were not on the top of the list, in fact, they were no where near the top. On our drive back to MD, Jeff and I talked about what was important to us: Godly values, reading and singing to our children, music, good nutrition, a love of learning, manners, independent play and quality time each day as a family. Jeff then said that all of those things leave a lasting impact on the child, and frankly, using cloth diapers does not.

Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of having cloth on my babies' bums and like knowing my small contribution would be helping our fragile environment, but at least for right now, I will be going with the rest of mainstream culture and will use disposables. Saying mainstream culture kinda makes me cringe.

In my quest to (prepare) be the best Mom I can be, I often try to make things black or white, right or wrong so that my decisions are easier to make. This is not always the good thing to do, but it makes things seem a bit "cleaner". Hearing Audrey (a great Mom) say using cloth wasn't for her right now gave me the freedom to say that myself, and still know I can be a good Mom.

I may change my mind at some point, or I may always use disposables. Who knows. But for right now, I feel such freedom! I know that the time I would've spent obsessing over which diaper brand, which colors, which cleaning process would work for me will be spent on other, more productive things. And when the babe comes, the time doing diapers will be spent doing something else I know I want to do, like scrapbooking, or making cards to light up people's day, or cooking. This makes me oh-so-happy.