A New Mission

I went to bed last night feeling pretty numb. I had just finished a much-needed discussion and my mind was sorta racing but my body just whispered go to sleep. I don't know if the talk was productive or not, but I have to believe that it will produce something positive.

After a wild dream about having quads and not being at all prepared, not knowing what to do with them or how to even change their diapers, I woke to the spring air and the sun shining in my face.

A new day. A new start. A day to make some good changes.

I hopped on my email and had a bunch of kind words from friends regarding the update on MD that I sent out yesterday. This put me back into my slump quickly. I am missed. I miss. I would like to go back home. I would like to be back in my life in OP. I would like things to be different.

Feeling those things are fine, but I am realizing (as I write) that what I am experiencing is not just going on with me, but in the bigger picture I think there are some spiritual battles happening. Every time I go a step ahead, I fall two back.

For someone who feels completely confident about where she is at this moment, there is something preventing the life and fruit of that God-given confidence. The enemy.

Knowing that there is always more than meets the eye, I now feel like I'm a Warrior on a mission, and it's my duty and my goal to do the mission well.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Amen.

The Push

Don't worry about my well-being after reading this. Don't worry that my posts range from happy to blah in any given week. I am not bi-polar, I am not in a deep depression, I am not losing it. I am just acknowledging the rut I'm in while trying to figure my way out.

I know that my posts lately have not been very thought provoking. I'm not apologizing, just stating the obvious.

It seems like major work these days to sit and think about things. I feel emotionally and mentally drained and thinking deeply on anything is the absolute last thing I want to do. Just getting by seems to be my M.O. these days, and that's OK with me.

I almost don't even feel like writing this, but I know that if I do, it will start the process of getting out thoughts that I've been keeping locked away, and that's a good thing.

I think the main reason that I feel this way is that I lack a true community. I have always been involved no matter where I've been. I make friends easily, I find things to do, I put on my adventure pants and start exploring. But this time is different.

I was all about the adventure when it started back in September; I knew I'd be on the ride alongside my new husband and that seemed to be all that mattered. I've discovered that although I wouldn't trade this time with him for anything, and I feel fully confident that this is where we are supposed to be, it has been more lonely than I ever expected.

Some days are great, some are hard, some go by and I'm ashamed at the time I've wasted. I sit here and wait for the day where things will be different. I wait to find a home. I wait to make friends, kindred spirit-type friends. I wait to have community. I wait to see where I can be involved. I wait for life to begin.

I'm sure many would say that this time is a gift, that I'll never have time like this again. It's true. So why am I not embracing it? Why do I not use it to my advantage? Why do I waste it? Why am I waiting?

I don't really have any solid answers. I just know that God is waiting too. He is waiting for me to seek Him, to use this time I have to be with Him, to ask Him what He thinks, to just enjoy Him. This too feels like a chore, because it's hard work. But I have learned that the hard work we push through leads to fruit. And He did promise me that He'd never leave me, but that He'd be right here with me, helping me along.

So here's to starting the push-through to the other side.

What's In A (Nick) Name?

Blastocyst, Embryo, Fetus, Baby.

Whatever scientific term there is for a life growing inside the womb, Jeff and I have created our own, equally good terms. The first nickname we gave was our little lentil bean. From there it moved to our little grape, then our kumquat. We go according to the size comparisons that babycenter.com gives each week.

The very first nickname, given by Uncle Steve, still stands: Quakelet.

But my favorite term of endearment for this child is a name I came up with all by myself:

My little Tapeworm.

It's not the prettiest, but it sure is the most telling of how I feel lately!

Relief

We met with the midwife referred to us last week. After our meeting, I walked out of the office feeling a huge sense of relief. Ahhhh, we've finally found someone. Hooray!

She is wonderful and I continue to hear such good things about her. Our first prenatal appointment is tomorrow and I am excited to get things started on this end. We did discuss due dates and the conclusion is that my due "month" is November. The baby will come when it's ready and although we know around the time it's predicted, we also don't feel the need to tell everyone. This way if and when that date comes and goes, we aren't answering the phone all hours of the day saying "Nope, not yet."

This will be tough for me as I usually spill too much info, but I'm getting better at that. :)

I'm thankful that we've found someone to help me birth our baby, at home. I'm thankful to BirthCare for risking my business with them although it meant comfort to us. I'm thankful that pieces are starting to come together. That's all I got for today.

Could the Debate Be Over?

I called BirthCare today to ask about my due date. I feel confused about this but I know it's not entirely that important. I have an estimation, but I wanted to clear my mind on the confusion. They called me back and I was so excited about talking to a live person from there! Sadly, I've kinda put too much importance on this place, ranking it with somewhere like the White House or something. I will stop doing this right now.

So anyways, I asked my question, am I 9 weeks or 11, and as we worked out the dates, the midwife offered a suggestion. She told me of another midwife who is licensed to do homebirth in the Baltimore area who comes highly recommended. My interest peaked. She went on to tell me that I'm quite a distance from their offices, and that it was OK if I still wanted to go there, but this woman may be another option.

Hmm, is this an answer to prayer?

Not only was Jeff thinking about the money aspect of our birth-place choice, but BirthCare is at least an hour's drive from where we hope to live, and more than that from where we live now. This did not sit well with him. He's anal, he's practical, he's busy at work, he's tired at night. I respect all of these things and so I have been working to keep my options open.

I continued to ask questions about this woman and got her info. I immediately called and left her a message. She promptly called me back--here was my opportunity!!! Could this be, or is it too good to be true? Will she take insurance? Will we like her? How good is she?

Her response: Yes, she'd love to meet with us, November sounds great, how nice of BirthCare to recommend her, yes, she takes insurance! YES, she takes ours!

Wow!

So we meet with her tomorrow at 3:30 and although this feels quick, I am not stupid enough to pass up this opportunity. God provides and He'll continue to direct us. I'm wowed again.

Funny Prayers

We sat down for a quick dinner last night of burgers and pasta salad. Love those easy summer dinners! I said grace, thanking God for the sun, the good day, the evening to come and the food. I then, without any hesitation, finished my prayer with "Talk to you later. Amen."

The entire table bursted out laughing while I sat there thinking where did that come from! It just rolled right off my tounge and I sat in amazement, laughing at my slip-up.

Thankfully God has a sense of humor too!

Homebirth...Or Not

We were leaving last night for an orientation at a birth center. Walking to the car, Jeff said enthusiastically, "I'm so excited for this, lover! It's our first step towards having a baby." "Not quite honey...more like the the second!" was my reply. Funny.

It was a good tour, we got to see the facility and meet some of the staff. It's a nice, clean place with lots of resources to borrow and has a breastfeeding store on the first floor. Each room has a birthing tub should you need it and overall, it was very inviting. I was pleasantly surprised, cause it seems like the places you see either on TV or on the web are cheesy, old-fashioned, countryish rooms that would make me cringe rather than make me feel relaxed and comfortable. They are definitely not easy on the eyes, but this one was!

We are debating where we will have our children. I have always wanted to have a homebirth for each of my children. My dream was that I would live in an old white farmhouse on a hill, complete with a stone/gravel driveway and a weeping willow off to the side. I'd live there my whole life, loving my husband, having and raising babies, sending them off and retiring with my love on the porch... Well it's obvious that the old white house I'll live in forever is not going to happen! But I'm still hanging on to the homebirth idea. It just seems so natural, so peaceful and comforting, so normal.

This was one of those things we talked about before we were even married. (What didn't we talk about??!) Jeff isn't too familiar with pregnancy/birth, etc. and so it didn't seem unusual to him. He agreed that it seemed better than a hospital birth, and so we assumed this is the route we'd take when the time came. When we prepared to move to MD, I researched homebirth and birthing centers to see what would be available to us. I was so thankful when I found out that homebirth isn't illegal here, as it is in NY. It looked like things would fall into place! Looking back, I'm thankful that I did that research, because not having a community to get good recommendations from is tough when you're trying to find good care!

When we found out I was pregnant, I called to set up an appointment with the midwife and that's when the picture started to unravel a little bit. I found out that we'll have to pay a portion of the cost of the homebirth because our insurance doesn't cover 100% of it--as opposed to having 100% of the birth center paid for. Ugh. I told Jeff that I would check out this birthing center and that I'd be open to it. I was, still am. I desire a homebirth, but I desire to honor my husband too. The best way I know how to do this is to pray about what I want, what he thinks is wiser, and to let God work in both of us to determine the outcome.

So that's where we're at right now. It's not tough, just thought-consuming some days. In the process, I've seen how the two of us have evolved over the months/years when it comes to differing opinions, goals, etc. I love seeing growth, especially between the two of us, and I love how it usually just hits me smack in the face as if to say 'Of course it's getting better, whaddya expect?!'

Today

Happy Easter everyone! Happy Resurrection! He reigns!

I love how Easter Sunday is usually sunny, warm, and fresh...new. I love how it brings peace, a sense of well-being, and abounding joy. Joy that Jesus defeated death and the victory has been won! Joy that He loved us enough to endure the suffering of the cross, because He didn't want to be without us.

How that humbles me, brings me to my knees to say Thank You, my Savior. I didn't deserve it, I still don't deserve it, but Thank You. Thank You for loving me like you do.

I love Easter, it is the most glorious day...

Our Family is Growing By Two...

...Feet, that is.

Jeff and I will be welcoming our first child in November!!!

The word is out and everyone knows; it's been super fun to spread the news.

We are so blessed.