Finally, a Bit of Familiarity!

Warning: this post may forever change the way you think of grocery stores, and for Buffalonians, your opinion on my beloved Wegmans.

Wegmans. Yes, Wegmans. For those of you who live in upstate NY, or even in PA, you know what Wegmans is. Wegmans is the type of place that you can easily spend hours in carousing the aisles, looking at all they have to offer, comparing different selections, and smelling different aromas. Wegmans is a grocery store, and one of my favorite places to shop of all time. I know, it's kinda weird, but you try one out--I bet you won't think it's so weird!

I didn't like Wegmans when I was younger, but went every week when my Dad would pick me up from school to visit. He'd go grocery shopping every day after he was done at the steel plant, to get his dinner for the night. Don't ask me why he just didn't go once a week to save time and money, but he didn't. "Kel, I like to do it this way." was always the response. So I'd go, and we'd get whatever we felt like eating for the night. He often asked me why I didn't like Wegmans, but preferred Tops, where my Mom shopped. My opinion was that Wegmans felt old and dirty because of the colors (browns, yellows, oranges), and that the people there seemed snooty. Tops was white, red and blue, and seemed so much cleaner w/ all that bright light (yeah right, it just highlighted it!).

The time came when I wanted to get a job. Yes, I wanted a job at 15. My parents never told me to grow up and get a job, like so many others seem to do, and I'm thankful for that. But I wanted to work to see what all the fuss was about, and the extra cash didn't sound so bad either. I was talking w/ my Dad about it one day (on our way to Wegmans) and he asked which places seemed like a good fit for me and my personality, and what was a good distance from my house so rides would be easy for whoever would be taking me. I listed off a few places, but for one reason or another, didn't want to check them out. Once we got to the store -*ding!*- the thought entered my mind..."Why not Wegmans?" Quickly I tried not getting my hopes up in fear of being disappointed: "Who knows if I'll even get hired. I don't know how to cash, I don't know anything about the store, and I'm not even 16 yet!" But w/ Dad's prodding, I went to ask for an application, and what the minimum age was to work there. To my shock, it was 15 w/ working papers! I grabbed the application and filled it out that night.

A few days later I got a call and went in for an interview the next day. I was hired on the spot, and began a 4 year career at Wegmans, filling in at different departments as well as balancing my own. I was rewarded employee of the month 2 weeks after I started, moved up the ranks in no time, and many of my friends came to work there too! It was a great place to be.

So maybe that's why my loyalty lays w/ good 'ol Weggies. The colors proved to be warm and inviting, and the people I noticed, were much, much nicer than those at Tops, whether they were shopping or working there. Maybe it's because I got to have my breaks and lunches w/ Dad whenever he came in, and we had a lot of good conversation at those times. (I really cherish those memories) Maybe it's because I remember the sense of community I had while I worked there, either from my co-workers or the shoppers that I got to know over the years. I ended up staying there through my first two years of college, working on breaks and filling in when I could. When I moved to CT, there was no Wegmans and I went through a sort-of withdrawal. I could not believe the grocery stores there! Weren't we in the Beverly Hills of the East? Why these tiny, dirty, cheesy stores? I was thrilled to shop at my old stomping ground when I moved back home.

So where am I going w/ this post? I'm sorry it's much longer than anticipated; I just get caught up with W! Anyways, today we took a drive to the nearest, and newest Wegmans around. It's about 45 minutes north, in Hunt Valley, MD, and it felt sooo good to be there! The people were flocking to this mega-store, and it is a store like I've never seen--it's amazing. Marylanders aren't used to having a Wegmans around (I believe this is the most southern one as of now), and I overheard many positively commenting on the store, that the drive it took to get them there was worth it, and the selection unbeatable. Yep, that's my Wegmans! We had subs, they were delicious, and we took it all in...The sights of delicious food, the tons of people, the differences from our own newly remodeled Hamburg Wegmans...It was great. Then we shopped.

We didn't need a whole lot, but we wanted to see what the actual distance was from our house and it was Saturday, we have no friends, and don't know the area! What better to do than to investigate! As we walked up and down the very crowded aisles, I felt as if I belonged. All of the products were familiar to me! There was no searching for what I wanted, or what brand I thought would most resemble what I'm used to, cause I knew exactly what I wanted and right where it would be! Ah, the feeling of familiarity is so sweet. I turned to Jeff and said w/ a grin on my face, "I feel like I'm home."

Yes, it's just a grocery store, and I fully realize that I'm sounding quite spoiled here, but after 3 weeks and many long days, it felt so good to be in a place that you're used to...even if it is 350 miles from where you call home.

A Disclaimer, I Think

I've been feeling weird about blogging lately. I'm sure it's part of the insecurity I feel about posting my writing on the web, but regardless of what it is, I don' t like it.

For starters, I'm not even sure if anyone reads my blog. It's ok if they don't, but if they don't, should I continue to blog? Why not just write in a paper journal? If no one is looking, then I don't need to document the happenings online.

And if I do that, then I can write whatever I like, because only I will know what I'm writing! Which leads me to my second point. Am I able to say anything I want on this blog? Is it true that I don't have to feel like I'll offend someone, or hurt feelings, or tell stories that people don't want told, or say something stupid and not worry about whether or not it'll be thrown back in my face? Is that the land of blogging? If so, then great.

But what if I say something and someone does take it the wrong way? Most times when I write, I'm trying to clear my head of the zillions of thoughts that go through it. Writing helps me to articulate my thoughts and words better than when I speak. And it helps me to figure out what exactly I want to say about certain topics, and how I feel about them. I love to write! And I want people to journey along with me and know the things I'm learning about. But what if, let's say, I write something that I'm still trying to figure out, and someone jumps down my throat to let me know that either I'm wrong, or my writing is bad. What then? Do I put on thick skin and tell them to shove it? Or do I hesitate to write anything more that I'm not sure about or people may disagree with? Knowing myself and how insecure I can feel about people seeing my writing, I may be tempted to do the latter.

That is the main reason I've been feeling weird about blogging. Despite my saying that there is nothing "happening", there is a lot I'm learning about. And I'm not nearly done learning about these things. I'm just discovering. I want to write about them, but honestly, I'm insecure. How can I write, and write good about things I'm just discovering? I always thought I was a pretty good writer, but as I venture further into blog-land, I discover hundreds of others who write much more profoundly, provacatively, and articulately than I.

So I guess here is where I make up my mind. My writing is exactly that, mine. I will say what I want, what I mean and what I think, and if you don't like it, too bad. I've always been authentic; I'm not going to stop now. To those who are quick to judge about my discoveries, know that like you, I'm just trying to figure things out. Extend grace. To those that enjoy reading my blog, keep on reading! I hope you'll journey along with me and contemplate your own what, why's and how's...

Hi-Ho Hi-Ho, It's Off to Church We Go!

I haven't written in a little while because I feel like there is nothing too exciting to write about. Things are virtually the same as the last time I updated my blog. Jeff's happy, I still get bored, and the weather's been great, we even reached 65*! I could get used to this kind of winter.

We are still church hunting, which is kinda fun for us. We've been to two already, not counting BACC (still reigning as #1). One was a Baptist church and the other was non-denominational. We've got about 4 more to check out before we start looking closer to the city of Baltimore. We went to the Baptist one last week and it was OK. There was good theology, pretty decent worship, and many welcoming people. It seemed like it was mostly middle-aged and we couldn't really get a feel for what they do in the community, but overall, it was alright. I have to admit, I was expecting a stuffy congregation and old hymns that I'd never heard of. I know we're all brothers and sisters in Christ but you always hear these stories and I just expected it to be a bit more dry than what I'm used to. But surprisingly, it wasn't! People were even dancing in their seats (surprise Nancy H.)!

We left there and had time to go to BACC (yes, two services in a day, it was fine), which was a great thing because it identified for us which we liked better. The whole feel at Bay Area was just great... vibrant, passionate, young. So, we were able to cross one off the list!

Today, we went the non-denom. church in Annapolis. I was pretty excited, and still am, because obviously the more you go to, the more you're able to cross off or say, "Hmm, this could work." Well, this one is not going to work. We left early. And we couldn't get to BACC cause it was too late, so despite my excitement, there was also this feeling of being let down. Figure, if you spend your Sunday morning planning on worshiping God, you'd like it to be fruitful too, right? Well, what happens when you go to a place and it's exactly...boring? Dry? Simple? I mean, I don't want to go to various churches and nit-pick at all of the +'s and -'s, but how else do you pick a church that you want to invest in and be invested in? So you go, and you spend your time, and if it works, then great! If not, then here's hoping next week is better.

Hey, if at the very least we end up at BACC, then we know for sure that's where we are meant to be.

Answered Prayer

After more than 5 years, I finally have health insurance!!! Hooray!

God has answered my prayers of safety and health all those years. I am so grateful.

One Down, Many More To Go!

Aggh!!! I just wrote and now I lost it all. Why won't computers just listen to us?

The gist of what I wrote goes something like this:

Things have been good here for the first week.

Jeff loves work and is very happy.

I love to see him happy.

I'm mostly bored during the day.

I wish I had a car to explore.

I've been visiting w/ Emily before she leaves for S. Korea tomorrow.

I need to start some projects once Emily leaves.

We're going to The Cheesecake Factory tonight to celebrate her last night here and our first week here.

I've been walking and got lost once.

In the end, I found my way back home.

The development where we live is absolutely huge (even bigger than "huge Tom huge").

I can't sleep at night, either due to my mind racing, planes and helicopters flying, or the very lighted street, all very different than my country-ish OP home.

I've lost 3 pounds so far, yippee!

And I could really use a haircut, a new sportsbra and some Watson's Chocolate Covered Pretzels...mmm.

Starting Anew

On Sunday, we went to Bay Area Community Church in Annapolis. We've been there before, once in April and once in November when we visited Jeff's parents. Jeff was here one time in between the two when he was here on business as well. So we knew what to expect and how this church would be. It's probably about 1500 strong, a bit smaller than our church back home, and it's held in the Annapolis HS auditorium. They're in the process of building just a bit down the road, and the new, state of the art facility will have classrooms, a children's wing, and a gym, which is where the services will be held until Phase 2 starts, which contains the sanctuary. The congregation is a bit more varied than Hamburg Wesleyan as far as race goes, but I'd say most of the people who attend are middle aged. Of course, you have your older ones, many teens (and they're all so stylish and beautiful, reminds me of my church in Greenwich) and little ones too. Young marrieds, not so sure how many of those there are. Young in general, still not so sure.

Anyways, this church has interests in mission work. During the Change Our World campaign at WCH, Jeff and I developed a great interest (not sure if I can say it's a passion, yet) in what the church is doing worldwide. BACC just hired a new missions pastor, originally from Ghana. He worked at Park Church in Boston, MA and is here now in MD. We like that he's there and is sparking more interest in the church worldwide, and in those yet to belive in Jesus.

He spoke, I'm sure about what most pastors speak about on January 1: Starting Anew. A new year, new resolutions, new goals, etc. I sat there in the chair, listening to him talk about things I've been contemplating lately. He was speaking of new beginnings and I was listening intently, because here I was, beginning a new chapter in my life with my new husband, in a new house, in a new community, a new state.

It was one of the only parts of the service that I could really take in. The rest of the time, I was pretty much focused on my grieving heart. When we got ready for church that morning, I never stopped to think about what service would be like for us that first time, attending while seeking out our own church community, not just attending while visiting. But then again, I'm not sure if I could've been prepared for the emotions I felt either.

We walked in and right away I was thrown into a different Sunday ritual that I was unfamiliar with. People were standing all over, almost crowding the entry way into the aud, and while they were holding their coffee cups and talking, Jeff and I were wondering if we should go get coffee too, or just go in. "Let's go in", I said. I did not want to meet anyone, to be introduced to anyone whose names I would soon forget, or to be known as Bruce and JoAnn's kids. I just wanted to be Jeff and Kelly Knapp: new to the area, that's it. As we walked through the people, I looked at faces and didn't see anyone I recognized, not even my Mom. Why did I think I would? We made our way into the aud and tried to find a place to sit. This was even a chore, because back home, we'd sit to the front and sometimes right. Here, there was either very front, or very right, no middle. Jeff said I could pick but I left it up to him. He picked very right, and of course, I wanted very front so once seated, I asked if we could move. After a big sigh and wanting to love me well in the midst of a big change, he agreed to move to very front. Ahh, ok, at least we're in front where we can see and hear well, and Jeff won't get fidgety, I thought.

The music started, and the worship pastor praised God and started singing. Not as clean-cut as Ben, Darren or Mark back home. This guy has a beard and long hair, pulled back into a ponytail, but he loves God and it was evident. Two singers on his left, and one on his right, with the rest of the band on either side of them. Low key, basic equipment, big screen in front, rough wooden cross to the right side of the stage. Not too much to distract you from worshiping God, I liked that. But I didn't recognize any of the songs they were singing and the singers voices were different. Jen and Becky weren't up on stage, Ben wasn't bouncing as he does, and the band's familiar faces were gone. I closed my eyes and tried to envsion WCH's sound as I sung. I would often stand singing with my eyes closed while we all sung at WCH, just to imagine what it must be like in heaven with all those voices and angels praising God. I loved to do that every Sunday. I tried to do this now, in a new place with new voices, and it took only a second before my heart broke and my eyes got wet. This wasn't WCH, nor was it anything I know. It was different. Tears fell down my cheeks and just then my husband looked at me and I was embarrassed. I thought, "Don't look at me now! I don't want you to think that I can't have one experience without crying during this move! I really am strong, I can be strong!" So I didn't look back at him, I just stood there crying and he put his arm around me and kissed my head.

It wasn't until the end of service that I could really focus on God, aside from the bit where Casely talked of new things and God's timing of it all. The band finally sang a song that I recognized. It was one that we'd sing back home, and it was totally about God and his glory. Nothing about me or my walk or my flaws, just about glorifying Him. And as I sang praises to Him, slowly my heart opened. Not to the church we were at, not to the people, but to my God, who is in the midst of this move, of my entire life. No matter how much I missed home, my family, my friends, no matter how my heart hurt while being obedient, no matter how many tears came, God was still my loving, accepting, gracious Father. So I sang boldly to that.

Moving and Rubberbands

During one of those homesick moments, my loving husband tried to comfort me. Laying on the bed, having "pillowtalk" as we call it, he said, "Honey, you know how you can put a rubberband on one hand that's all stretched out, and stretch it to your index finger on the other hand?" Yes, I said. "Well, it's like that." "What's like that?" "Moving. 'Cause it takes a while for the other part of the rubberband to get to that finger, but when it does, it snaps over so fast and the whole piece is now on the other side. And right now, your heart is in Buffalo, but someday it will be here, it'll just snap on over."

I'm not sure if he's right, but he gets an A+ for trying. I love you Jeffery.