The Push

Don't worry about my well-being after reading this. Don't worry that my posts range from happy to blah in any given week. I am not bi-polar, I am not in a deep depression, I am not losing it. I am just acknowledging the rut I'm in while trying to figure my way out.

I know that my posts lately have not been very thought provoking. I'm not apologizing, just stating the obvious.

It seems like major work these days to sit and think about things. I feel emotionally and mentally drained and thinking deeply on anything is the absolute last thing I want to do. Just getting by seems to be my M.O. these days, and that's OK with me.

I almost don't even feel like writing this, but I know that if I do, it will start the process of getting out thoughts that I've been keeping locked away, and that's a good thing.

I think the main reason that I feel this way is that I lack a true community. I have always been involved no matter where I've been. I make friends easily, I find things to do, I put on my adventure pants and start exploring. But this time is different.

I was all about the adventure when it started back in September; I knew I'd be on the ride alongside my new husband and that seemed to be all that mattered. I've discovered that although I wouldn't trade this time with him for anything, and I feel fully confident that this is where we are supposed to be, it has been more lonely than I ever expected.

Some days are great, some are hard, some go by and I'm ashamed at the time I've wasted. I sit here and wait for the day where things will be different. I wait to find a home. I wait to make friends, kindred spirit-type friends. I wait to have community. I wait to see where I can be involved. I wait for life to begin.

I'm sure many would say that this time is a gift, that I'll never have time like this again. It's true. So why am I not embracing it? Why do I not use it to my advantage? Why do I waste it? Why am I waiting?

I don't really have any solid answers. I just know that God is waiting too. He is waiting for me to seek Him, to use this time I have to be with Him, to ask Him what He thinks, to just enjoy Him. This too feels like a chore, because it's hard work. But I have learned that the hard work we push through leads to fruit. And He did promise me that He'd never leave me, but that He'd be right here with me, helping me along.

So here's to starting the push-through to the other side.