7 hours

In approximately 7 hours, Jeff and I will be on our way to our new home. Seems so weird to say our new home, since we don't exactly have our own home, but we will eventually. So we'll be on our way to our "intermediate" home in Laurel, Md.

It's my last night living here. I've moved before but this time seems much more definate. Who knows if I'll ever move back, all I know is that I'm going with my husband to follow his dreams. And while following his dreams, mine will be realized as well. I'm excited about tomorrow, about driving down the road in our new car with it's Md plates on it, chock full 'o stuff, having 7 hours to sit and talk or be silent with Jeff.

I love being grown-up with him. Sounds silly, but I just love the thought that we're married, starting our lives together and going on this adventure trusting God and each other. So grown-up, isn't it? I recall seeing thousands of other cars full of stuff, families in them, talking, sleeping, laughing as they drive, and I think, wow, we're one of those families now. It's our turn to go on an adventure!

I'm ready for it. I'm ready for the changes, for the challenges, for the excitement, for the growth that will happen to both of us collectively. I'm ready for the practical things too, like unpacking the stuffed car, setting up our room (ha, our room!), becoming healthier by exercising and eating better, ready for Jeff to learn his new job, to find a place of our own, and to find a church we can belong to. There have been many sad moments the past few weeks/months. But now I'm ready. I feel like things should be more dramatic you know? Like I should be crying or reflecting on all that's happened while I prepare my heart and mind for tomorrow. But at the same time, I think: I've had those moments. Yet, there's still something in me that places expectations on my experiences. My friend Louise would be lecturing me (a good lecture) right about now about how I don't need to have expectations but instead just be in the moment, and not be so hard on myself. And she's right. So I'm listening to her, but still, there is that tiny voice that says, "think of all that's happened, reflect, reflect, reflect!" Louise, I'm taking your advice right now, but when I call crying cause I miss you and others, you'd better have some wise words for me!

Well, Jeff is falling asleep on the couch, Mom is home from the Trans-Siberian Orchestra and I need to go to bed soon. Here's to Buffalo!

Brief update

The letter is written and sent out, along w/ our beautiful picture, I just love it. All of the cookies are made and the (few) presents are bought. Some goodbyes have been made, few tears have been shed and some things of ours are already in MD. We've got just 6 days to go, and two of those days we'lll be celebrating Christmas, so that seems like we've got just 4 days left. Wow did it fly by.

Today we're off to Corning to see Jeff's family for a wedding, which fit in nicely right around the holidays and our move so we'll be able to see them once more before the big move. Then it's on to the Biela-Goble family to celebrate Jesus' birth and we're really looking forward to that. We feel honored to be invited and I'm sad cause I know saying goodbye will be tough after spending this precious time w/ them. Tomorrow it's Christmas Eve at my Mom's: lots of food and loudness, present opening and the kids' annual on-the-stairs skit. I'll fill you in on what they decide to sing this year and who the star players are later. Then on Christmas we'll sleep in and enjoy one another, go to church to worship Christ, do a quick visit at Gram's and Dad's too, come home and do some more enjoying, and then we'll be off to see the Weber clan, which will again be another sad farewell. I've been invited to most of the Easter and Christmas holidays at Ron and Betty's house, and when Jeff came along he got invited too! It's been a special time with sort of a second family of mine. More on this later. There's the most brief update I could give right now!

Still stalling...

It's real. This whole move thing. Jeff's Dad arrived this morning with the new and quite luxurious I may add, company car. He drove it here from MD so that we'd be able to get rid of our cars before the next insurance payment was due, and so that we'd have something to drive to MD in with a few boxes of our stuff. Thanks Bruce!

I feel good about this. I feel good about donating our cars to Mission Motors. It's a shop where they school people in fixing cars so that they can earn an honest living and get into the work force. Then when these cars are fixed up, they're sold at a very reasonable price to folks who may have thought they'd never be able to own their own car--some previously homeless, some previously jobless, many previously hopeless. And with the car, comes a Bible. With the Bible, comes hope. So, great Uncle George's-turned mine- '96 Cavalier and Clayton Wallace's-turned Jeff's- '91 LeSabre have served us well. Now they will serve someone else. Thanks God, for giving us these gifts, and for allowing us to help others as You've helped us.

Saying goodbye to my car made it real. Not to get too introspective here, but I did think of the talks in my car, all the road trips, the boys sitting in their car seats mucking up the windows with their sticky fingers or looking like angels as they fell asleep while I drove...aww. My car is gone now and the move is ever more real.

The days are nearing and the calendar is totally booked. The most important people are written all over the boxes on the page of December, and all over our hearts as we say goodbye. I'd better stop writing now or else the tears will come. Those can wait.

And no, the letter isn't done yet. Not even near completion. I did get all the way through the first half of the year though! They're set to go out in a few days so I guess I'd better get working...

First Annual Christmas Letter, coming up!

I am stalling right now. I need to start and finish my first ever Christmas letter. Aggh! I get all worked up about these things because I think somewhere inside me, I'm secretly a perfectionist. I want all the words to be just the right words, I want it to be witty but meaningful, I want it to make sense (sometimes I can be long-winded!) and I want it to tell the story of 2005. I don't want people to see a letter coming out of the envelople and say or think, "oh no, another letter about stuff I could care less about" or something to that effect.

I don't know what the big deal is about Christmas letters. I love getting them! I love reading about people's lives (see first blog!) and getting updates on what's happening. But I hear that there are some out there who dread these things...they hate getting them and there are some who don't even read them! Hmph! I think those people ruin it for the rest of us, because I know somewhere out there, there are lotsa people like me who love getting the scoop, love knowing what God is doing and further, they know how to pray for the authors of those letters once they read what's up.

Still stalling here. I've thought about making mine appear like the front page of a newspaper, complete with headlines and volume numbers, etc. Just to be fun, just to be different. But to do that, you have to be creative and most times I can't get to the creative side of me until it's too late.

I guess I'll just start to write and see what comes out. Let's see how long it takes me...

The Beginning of the End

I think today is officially when I will start to think of the beginning of the end. Christmas is exactly 2 weeks away, which means our move is about 2 weeks and 3 days away. That's not a lot of time.

I'm closing up house from a Christmas party that we had w/ my family...It was wonderful to gather all of my siblings, their spouses, some kids and my parents together. And you know what, it was really fun! We visited, ate yummy food, laughed and played Catch-Phrase. My inner child (inner, idealistic child) is really coming out right now and at some point I'll write more on this, but I'm so glad that we all sat in my tiny living room and played a game together!!! Seeing everyone laugh, seeing my Mom and Dad sitting next to each other and tease each other over the game, having my best friend and her husband stop in and fit in just like the rest, watching my husband actually enjoy himself and open up with my brothers, and experiencing the warmth and security that the term family conveys is healing to me in so many ways.

God has given me a wonderful family. And later on when I go to church, I will be reminded of those that I'm leaving behind who aren't blood but my family by choice. Yes I will see and speak to my siblings and parents a lot even though I'll be living somewhere else. But the people that I worship w/ every week, the people that shake my hand when I walk into church, the people that have prayed for me and have shed tears and offered hugs will soon be distant. The ones who stood and watched Jeff and I exchange vows before God, and cheered us on as we were proclaimed Husband and Wife, and showered us with love and gifts and support...I will miss them so much. The chapter here is almost finished and I feel like the countdown is on.

I don't really like countdowns cause they seem to rush things. I remember I bought my friend a wedding countdown clock when she got engaged. Her wedding came and went, and then she passed it on to another friend. I figured someday I'd get that clock when it was my turn. Another friend of mine who is a teacher had a chalkboard countdown plaque for her wedding. Someone else I know counted sleeps 'til her big day. I did get engaged and the clock had since been passed on to another bride, and I got over it. I never did get a countdown anything, and I didn't keep track w/ my calendar either. I knew the day was coming and counting the numbers of days was too rigid or something. I wanted to enjoy the time and not wish it away.

Same thing goes for today. I don't want to start counting, but the reality is that I have less than 20 days left here. Less than 20 days. It seems the likely antidote to my heartache is to have the move be over, but then that means that we'll really be in MD and let's face it, will it be healing, or will it hurt worse because the reality of separation will be right in my face.?

I will remember today, the beginning of the end. Spending time w/ my precious Katie this morning, preparing a feast in my almost-gone home, enjoying loved ones, singing Happy Birthday today to my special niece Sarah, locking eyes w/ Mom as she said goodbye tonight, knowing that her nervous hugging was really not nerves at all, but the only way she could hold the tears back...These are the things that matter, the things that I will take w/ me when I leave. These memories will keep me warm when I think of how far away I am, when I think of how much I miss my family, my families.

Good Grief, Silent Night

Last night was gorgeous. The snow started falling at about 9 and as the minutes went on, the flakes got bigger and it started to fall faster. We finished watching the Apprentice and Jeff went up to bed; I was a few mintues behind him, just tidying up the house so that it's done in the morning when I wake up. (I love getting up to a clean house!) I saw the spotlight on outside and when I went to turn it off, I noticed the snow. The light illuminated the snow in this picture-perfect Christmas-y way and I just had stop and enjoy it, to take it all in.

I turned off all of the lights in the house except the Christmas tree, and then I put on Mannheim Steamroller's Christmas CD, #11, Silent Night. What a song. Every year I play this song both on Christmas Eve and Christmas night to help me reflect about the year that's passed. It's the most beautiful Silent Night song I've ever heard and when I hear it, it slows my mind enough to sit and be. It's completely instrumental and at the very end, there is the sound of a wind swirling through the air, kind of signaling the change: the end of another year, the start of a new one and the wonder, fear and excitement of which that new year brings.

As I looked out my living room window, I noticed that the reflection in the window was that of our tree, glistening with white lights and ornaments. Outside the snow was falling and the air cold, but inside, there was peace and warmth. Then I saw myself in the reflection, with the tree to my left and the illuminated snow in front. Such beauty all round. It was sacred to me, all of it. As I stood there and thought about the time I've had at this address, in this house, I started to smile, and then to cry.

My first thought was to give praise to God for blessing me (and later Jeff) with this house. I can't even begin to count all of the blessings we've had here. Then my thoughts drifted to the memories that have been made here. So many wonderful memories, so many things to think about, including the awful moments I'm too ashamed to mention. "There's been so much here God, so much that You've ordained. Do I really have to go?"

I thought of how when I first found this house on my way to work, I had to sneak in to get a glimpse of it, it just seemed so perfect. The door was unlocked and the house was empty, and I ran through so fast with my heart beating in fear of someone finding me. I thought about it for two whole days, and so wished that it could be mine, that I could afford it and that they'd let me have my cat here. Once I finally got it, I came in (no longer sneaking in!) to pray in each and every room. It just seemed to normal to do that, since it was God who allowed me to have this dream. The main thing that I kept praying for was that this house would be a home, both for me and for those I love. I prayed that they'd feel welcome, comfortable as if it were their own home, and that the Lord's peace would forever flow here. God has answered that prayer. Every single person that's stepped foot in my home has felt at home. Every single one. God's presence rests here and I am so thankful that people can sense that and be comforted when they are here.

Then I thought about the various gatherings and get togethers I've hosted here. I thought about one of my best friends, Kim and how we were here the day before her wedding celebrating her and blessing her. I thought of my family celebrating Mother's Day here the day after that, and then I thought of the summer bible study we held here with young adult women from our church. We were bursting at the seams and I thought of the truth that was spoken during those 4 weeks into hearts that so desperately needed to hear it, perhaps mine needing to hear it the most. I thought of making dinners, chasing Jeff and being chased, painting rooms, sitting and watching election '04 coverage, babies who crawled on the floor, Justin the cat meowing and shedding everywhere. I thought of the fires we had in the pit and the friends who came to hang out. I thought of fights Jeff and I had and how I wished that I wasn't so stubborn. I thought of the way this house looked when I walked in last March and Jeff proposed. Candles were everywhere and he was beaming...I relieved every moment of that memory. Then my mind went to when I prepared for my own wedding, my closest friends coming here and blessing me with their advice, prayers and joy. I thought of mine and Jeff's first night here together as husband and wife, and how it was so not how I thought it would be! I laughed and grimaced and cried as my mind raced, thinking of things I thought I'd forgotten.

I looked outside and wondered, "What have you for me in Maryland, Lord? I know You're in the midst of this but what have you there for me? Will there be a home that's cozy and peaceful and warm? Will people know how You've impacted our lives and see us living for You? Will my friends know me like my friends here know me? The real me?" I thought of Jen and Katie and Louise and Kim. Kim's been gone now for 6 months, Katie's been gone a whole lot longer than that, but what about Jen and Louise? I'm leaving and can't bring them with me. I can't just stop by on my way to my sister's house to see Jen, or sit on the couch for hours upon hours talking with Louise. I won't see their faces every Sunday in church and our 3 weeks left together isn't nearly enough to accomplish all we wanted to do together! "Why God? Jen and I were going to be pregnant together, remember? And Louise is the mentor-friend I've always wanted, honest and wise and silly too. Can't they come too, Lord?" No Kelly, this is for you, I heard. I continued, "Why should I leave my Mom now when she's just about to retire and we'd have lots more time together, and what about when I have children? I want her to be there with me. And my Dad, God, he doesn't know You yet, I have more work to do! Can't we wait?"

The song kept playing, the snow kept falling, and I finally let myself grieve the losses that are about to come. It felt so good to cry hard about these things. My heart was so open to feeling the pain and hearing what God was whispering to me in our silence, but I just couldn't decipher it all. It was too much and all I could do was sob with the precious memories floating in my head, all mixed up with gratitude and loss.

"Silent night, holy night. All is calm, all is bright. Round yon Virgin Mother and Child, Holy Infant so tender and mild. Sleep in heavenly peace, Sleep in heavenly peace..."

Tenderness

I went to bed last night after putting up my first blog. As I lay in bed next to my new husband, my mind raced through various thoughts to try to get to sleep. Did I shut all the lights off? Did I turn the heat down? Where's the cat? Tomorrow I have to do this, this and this before 4pm. At some point I thought of money and shopping for Christmas. I love giving gifts. In fact, I think as I get older, I love giving gifts even more than getting them, and I do love getting them. As I thought of this season and our current financial situation, a song popped into my head almost immediately:

"When you get lonely, call me anytime at all and I'll be there with you, always anywhere at all. There's nothing I've got that I wouldn't give and money is never enough. Here's a penny for your thoughts, a quarter for the call and all of your Momma's love."

This was a significant song for my Mom and I as I headed off to Connecticut for my first job as a Professional Nanny. The earth was thawing from a harsh winter, the trees were bleak and barren and the skies were still mostly gray. Our spring was missing that certain excitement, the feeling that good things are just creeping around the corner, that new life is coming. My heart was in pieces from an awful betrayal, and Mom's heart was also sad, but for 2 different reasons. Her beloved Uncle George had just died and now her baby girl was leaving, broken hearted and feeling hopeless.

This song, written and sung by The Wilkinson's was such a touching story of a Mother's love and sacrifice, and it just fit us. Mom and I have always been close, have always been best friends. She's the type of Mom you can talk to about anything, and she's the type that practices tough love, but loves unconditionally. She knew I was leaving for this job for many reasons, but ultimately I had to get away, to get my heart healed somehow.

As I pulled the moving truck away, she tucked a hanky in my fist. I felt that there was more to it than just the hanky, but was so stunned that she'd given me the hanky that I didn't bother to check it. You see, this hanky has been passed back and forth between the women in our family. It was my Grandmother's handkerchief, complete with pretty scalloped edges, red hearts all over it, with white in between. We never got to meet Margaret Goldsmith; she died when Mom was 17. But this hanky has been one of the constant reminders in our family of the impact this woman had on my Mom's life. Somehow, with the delicate fabric and its' pretty pattern, the consistency with which it's been around and the peace it's brought to us is like a symbol of the character that Grandma possessed, which inspired my Mom to live her life in the same manner. This hanky has wiped tears of grief from heartache and death, tears of joy from birth and celebration, and everything in between. Now it was mine to use, I couldn't belive it!

I put it ever so gingerly in the cup holder on the dash, that way I'd see it the whole way there. As I got rolling, I took that hanky and opened it to reveal some travel money along with a penny-for my thoughts, a quarter-for the call, and all of my Momma's love. The tears came.

Last night, as those words raced around in my head, those tears came right back. I thought of leaving my Mom this time around. Lots of changes have taken place. Hearts have been healed, Jesus has renewed and restored, our priorities are shifted, relationships have evolved, I've gotten married, Mom's getting ready to retire, there are 2 more grandbabies in the family, the list goes on and on. So much has changed, but our bond remains solid.

My heart was hurting as I lay there in bed, thinking of all we've been through and the countless memories we share. It was as if I was back in time, stepping into that truck, half excited and half sad, but the sad part winning. I put my hand on Jeff's head, just so I could touch him, feel him next to me, his warmth and his life so close to me. I just needed that touch. He asked if I was ok. "No." "What's the matter?" I tell him my sadness and he reassures me that she'll be ok, that she'll visit and I'll visit and "she's a good woman", validating my feeling sad about leaving her.

Then he did something that made it all ok. He placed his hand on top of mine, and just held it. So there we were, lying in bed with both our hands on his head, feeling the sadness winning. It was just the reminder I needed of why I married him, why I was following him to Maryland and why God created him for me. Because the tenderness he gives me is just what I need.

First Time

Let's see here, I'm giving this a try. I read others' blogs and love doing it. I love seeing the different writing styles, pondering what other people are learning and seemingly getting into peoples' heads. I feel like I'm getting a glimpse of their lives, or their "diaries" as I think of it. I remember when I was a little girl and I used read. Loved to read. Still do. Anyways, I read "Dear God, It's Me, Margaret" and the whole time I felt like I was reading this person's actual diary. And I could relate! I felt like I somehow belonged. We connected and although this was a fictional book, there was so much reality to it that it helped to make me feel like I was normal. Just a normal girl living in an abnormal world, maybe?

So, being able to read people's thoughts somehow helps me to put mine into perspective. When I read something that I really resonate with, I get super excited about it! And when I read something that either confuses me or angers me, I just chalk it up to differing opinions and I do love the simplicty and beauty of that. I get to think more about whatever it is that makes me cringe or question, and see where it fits into my thoughts.

That's why I like blogs. I didn't even know what a blog was until last fall. Ha! I'm so not in the techie world. Maybe I should call it the modern world? So now I know and I'm trying it out. I can feel a lack of self-confidence here as I type. Will my writing be good? Will I spell it all right? Will all of my puncutation be correct? That teacher in me comes out something fierce when I write. Guess that's another project to work on, huh?

I guess the main reason I am starting to blog is that we are moving. Yep, Jeff and I are off to the Baltimore area in about 4 weeks. Wow. It seems so unreal still. There is so much to do with those I love, quality time to share and cherish, and memories to make. And then it'll be time to go and I'll think, "Wait--we're moving? Where did the time go?" But it will come. And the joy and excitement and sadness and tears will all be there too. And people are going to wonder. They're going to ask what we're up to, how we're doing, what's Baltimore like, etc. If I'm blogging, then they'll know the basics and when we do talk, we can get to the heart of it all.

So there's my reason. There's my first blog.